Time Out, or, At the Very Least, It’s Running

Often, people’s fantasies begin with the phrase, “If money was no object.”  Honestly, some of my fantasies are birthed out of that same statement.  But let’s be honest, if money was no object, monetary value would be irrelevant.  If money was no object, expensive and shiny things would lose their luster.

And that’s what brought me to this phrase: “If time were no object, what would I do?”  A professor of mine once depicted heaven as spending an eternity sipping coffee with one friend and then spending the next eternity on a walk with another.  I mean, if time really was no object, we’d exercise more.  If time wasn’t an object, our 5-minute-late lunch guest wouldn’t ruin the lunch experience.  If time was no object, who’s to say we wouldn’t stay in bed all day with the one we love?  But I wonder, would we appreciate that gift:  the gift of an eternity.  We strive on deadlines–April 15, end of business December 24, etc.–and some of us even can’t wait to get back to “regular life” after a week of vacation.  Speaking of vacation, we can’t schedule one without a minute-by-minute itinerary of activities and experiences we just have to get in.  I hate that.

No, I’m not naïve to think that I don’t need to plan, I don’t need to schedule.  Time has marched on, and no one is stopping it.  But my goodness, can’t we enjoy the time we’ve been given without thinking about what is coming next?

We’re too busy.  I remember events as a child that I just didn’t want to attend.  I remember thinking, “When will this end?!  This is going on forever!”  How foolish was I?  How foolish were we?  We don’t have forever on this side of eternity, but that doesn’t mean we should pack events into our lives’ schedules to where we don’t have time to enjoy A because B is just around the corner.  We need to let the maxim ring true:

We will miss out on life planning for it.

Trust Falls, Truly

Lately, I have found myself looking back.  And each time I look, my eyes begin to water.  My life has been a rotary door of relationships, some coming and some leaving, but hardly any ever staying.  The friendships I had in high school slowly burned out as I was one of the very few of my graduating class to attend a 4-year university.  Most of the friendships I acquired my freshman year in college turned out to be merely based on proximity, and thus, eventually died.  Sure, I would bump into those people throughout the course of the next 3 years (I mean, how could you not at a college that was built around a man-made pond).  Sure, we would say hi and acknowledge each others’ names as we silently prided ourselves on still remembering them.  But meaning, fulfillment… freshman-made friendships rarely include those attributes.

So along we moved to our sophomore year, the year in which we were supposed to finally settle on a major, the year in which we were supposed to be regularly active in extracurricular activities, the year in which our friendships would begin to solidify.  Unfortunately, that didn’t happen for me.  You see, the day before I went back to school for my sophomore year, I broke up with my girlfriend of over two years.  I was tired of being tied down, and I was determined to give myself at least some commitment-free months.  I had always been active and committed to things my whole life, whether it was church and related activities, leadership positions in high school, the older brother responsible for the higher standard, the mentor who helped peers make it through the alcohol-induced nights, no matter what it was, up until August 2006, I was always committed to something.  I needed freedom.  I needed isolation.  And I began to take it.  I avoided groups and organizations because I didn’t want to commit to more people.  I loved it, until I didn’t.

I distinctly remember one sophomore night near Thanksgiving or our Fall Break where I started crying in my room, left still crying, found some fire-escape stairs on the back of a building, sat, and cried for three hours.  I remember taking out my phone and going through my contacts one-by-one wondering who would come sit with me if I called them, but I never found a single name I was 100% sure would drop what they were doing and come comfort me.  And so, I began to distance myself even further from the crowd, and I began to slowly push away the relationships I really needed.

And then I met a girl.  She came into my life, but, defying the physics standard that stuff will go where nothing is, I invaded hers.  Her friends became my friends.  Her hobbies became my hobbies.  I cooked, I did dishes, I spent the night at her roommate’s boyfriend’s house.  And I loved it, every minute of it.  But then, she left.  Abruptly.  Suddenly.  And I was left holding the pieces of my heart with no one to help me pick up what was still on the ground.

I remember running to my RA and asking him for help, even though we rarely spoke to each other outside his mandatory “you doing OK this week?”  I had no one, and my trust in humanity, in relationships, in commitment died.  Unfortunately, as Frank Crane says:

You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you do not trust enough.

And I no longer trust.  I don’t trust my alleged best friend since college, I don’t trust my family.  I only really trust my fiancee.  But as I wait for her to finish her education as I have mine, I sit in torment, alone, looking back at time when I had friends, when I was cared for, and when I trusted.

A Response to the Election; or, Hypocrisy, Thy Name is You, The Church

Barack Obama has been elected the 44th President of the United States. And in a stunning turn of events, Christians nationwide have thrown out their belief in God’s sovereignty, their holding to the scriptures as completely inherent, and their PRAY acronym, leaving out PRAISE and jumping straight to ASK! Don’t believe me? Take a look at Facebook statuses saying that God is now judging America or that Obama is the uninformed decision. Take a look at Facebook groups: Smell the BO? Movin’ to Mexico.

We selfish, me-centered people. My goodness! Has God been thrown a curveball? Has God conveyed to us in ANY divinely inspired venue that His plans for 2009 – 2012 are an adamant and wrath-filled judgment of the States? NO! God is still in control! Romans 13: “Let every person be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those that exist have been instituted by God. Therefore whoever resists the authorities resists what God has appointed, and those who resist will incur judgment. For rulers are not a terror to good conduct, but to bad. Would you have no fear of the one who is in authority? Then do what is good, and you will receive his approval, for he is God’s servant for your good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, for he does not bear the sword in vain. For he is the servant of God, an avenger who carries out God’s wrath on the wrongdoer. Therefore one must be in subjection, not only to avoid God’s wrath but also for the sake of conscience. For because of this you also pay taxes, for the authorities are ministers of God, attending to this very thing. Pay to all what is owed to them: taxes to whom taxes are owed, revenue to whom revenue is owed, respect to whom respect is owed, honor to whom honor is owed.”

Obama has not (and will not) take away our right to free worship. Praise God for that! God is still on the throne and knew that the senator would get the election before He even named Adam! Praise God for that! God not only knew about it, but according to the Romans passage, He instituted it! Praise God for that? YES!

You of little faith! You ignorant people! Why in the world would God judge America and leave places like N. Korea, Liberia, etc. untouched? What basis do we have to think that America ever was a “Christian Nation” and is now being judged for falling away from that foundation? We have none! Sure, the first legislation and most current laws are based on biblical teachings, but that in no way makes America a Christian Nation. We are a nation run by humans. A free nation, yes. But a human-ran nation nonetheless.

Christians, we have a responsibility to act maturely as a response to this election. I don’t care if “your guy” lost. Acknowledge that hard work that Senator Obama put in to overcoming something that got another African-American assassinated not 50 years ago. Respect and praise our country for overcoming our tolerance. And pray for God’s will and God’s guidance. And c’mon! Stop this nonsense about running away! My God’s bigger than the boogeyman. I’m so sorry that He isn’t for you folks who think that Obama is an unstoppable terrorist.

1 Thessalonians 5: “Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.”

Get a hold of yourselves!

Yes, I voted for Obama. I am not saying to not be sad that the man you supported did not win. Be sad. But fall on God.

The Language of Hell: Preface

Found this quote by Dorothy Sayers, author and defender of the faith, writing on the “whatever-itis” that has plagued this country:

In the world it calls itself Tolerance; but in hell it is called Despair. It is the accomplice of other sins and their worst punishment. It is the sin which believes nothing, cares for nothing, seeks to know nothing, finds purpose in nothing, lives for nothing, and only remains alive because there is nothing it would die for.

More to come on this topic…

The Doctrine of “Self-Esteem”

The video that I’m going to show you is a shocking one. I’ve been surfing the internet via the “next” feature (courtesy of WordPress) and have stumbled across some extreme heresies. Here is a perfect example of one:

Pray for Steven Curtis Chapman, et. al.

Tragic news found here concerning the family of Contemporary Christian Music singer/songwriter Steven Curtis Chapman. Keep this family in your prayers.

A Monologue on Μοῖραι

Disclaimer: The following has been divorced of any and all Sovereign theology, to which I hold firmly. I do not necessarily hold to any of the views stated below, even if the view begins with “I believe…” or “To me…” This is simply a discussion.

I’ve got a brainstorm going. In order to keep it going, it needs to be written out. Some people hold to the view that life is the sum of random events stitched together in a space/time continuum. Others belief that life is the sum of all the decisions you make, just like those books you read as a child (for a run up the middle, turn to page 110; for a pass, turn to page 94). Some hold to the belief that life is simply a test, each moment a question in the grand-scheme examination. Finally, certain people hold to the view that life is a game, and the endgame of this contest is the collection of either many things leading to great wealth or many stories leading to a great reputation.

I don’t believe that “life” is any of the aforementioned things. To me, life is the sum of interwoven events precipitated by Providence and Fate. (Now, I’m not trying to sermonize or church-alize this, trust me. So, I plead with you to bear with me.) Everything that happens is because it is supposed to. Allow me to try and explain:

Have you ever driven home from work, pulled into your driveway, and for the life of you could not remember anything post-parking lot/pre-driveway? You attribute it to mundane ritualism, but what if it is more than that? I mean, unless you are suffering from short-term memory loss, you have obviously failed to pay attention to the drive home. How did you safely arrive at your destination? Did you make it home because your mind is so used to driving that route that it took over all motor function while leaving your memory in the dust? I don’t think so. You made home because you were supposed to be there.

Another example: Have you ever been in a relationship that ended and the only thing that came out of that relationship was a broken-heart (and a philosophical post on broken-hearts) and a bunch of new friends? Do you honestly think it was by chance that you met this random person and came out of that elongated rendezvous with more supporting players in your life?

Life has to be made up of the “there’s a reason I’m…’s.” The failure to capitalize on the Providential happenings in life is the failure to live it to it’s full potential. Manifest Your Potential.com puts it this way:

Find the thread of your life and follow it.

Now, I’m not saying to go about life letting things happen to you and attributing (or, blaming) it on Providence/Fate. I’m simply saying what Voltaire once said:

Each player must accept the cards life deals him or her. But once they are in hand, he or she alone must decide how to play the cards in order to win the game.

You got to your house safely with no help from you. What are you going to do about it? Are you going to go in as if nothing different happened (even if the loss of memory happens often), whining about work, traffic (which you didn’t even notice or remember), and demanding dinner and the remote control? Or, are you going to take stock of what is inside that house of yours, value it, and proceed to display that value to those very people?

Every man has his own destiny: the only imperative is to follow it, to accept it, no matter where it leads him. -Henry Miller, on fate.

As of Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Today, I had an EMG study conducted by my Neurologist on my legs to determine the extent of the damage as well as to attempt an estimation on recovery time. I have considered becoming Amish because my hatred of electricity was spawned as a response to the pain that comes with an EMG.

Here’s how it works: For the first hour, they strap three electrodes to your feet and place a conductor at various lengths up your leg. They then proceed to feed electricity from that conductor (be it at your knees, your shins, etc.) to the electrodes at your feet. Most of the electric feeds are only one burst at a time. However, when they want to not only read your nerve travel time but also your spinal cord reaction, they will send electric feeds at eight bursts per feed. Your muscles and nerves then proceed to pack up their things and leave you to sit in what feels like Jell-o. This lasts about an hour for both legs. This is to determine how quickly the nerves are sending information from one point to another.

Part two. They remove and unplug the electrodes and proceed to plug a needle into the EMG machine. The Neurologist then inserts the needle into three places: 1) your foot muscle at your ankle, 2) your calf, and 3) your spine. Keep in the mind, the needle is plugged in… it is coursing with electricity. He then places the conductor right next to this needle and has you flex whatever muscle has become the new habitat for Electric Needle from Hell. This lasts 30 minutes. It is to determine the extent of any muscle weakness. It is the worst part of the test because your muscles Charlie Horse upon immediate contact with Electric Needle from Hell. (Flexing a Charlie Horse muscle is, well… just try it sometime.)

The results of this test showed that I had considerable nerve damage to both of my legs. However, the test showed that the damage is on the recovery side of being hurt. Praise be to God. The weird part is as follows: my Neurologist is beginning to believe that what happened to me was a result of an unknown, aggressive virus that caused my body’s immune system to attack the nerve tissue in my legs. This virus and its antibodies are now out of my system (or so it seems), and, therefore, we have no way of knowing what virus it was. He is not able to prove this diagnosis and basically left me undiagnosed for the time being. I have a chance of contracting this virus again; however, that chance is very slim.

My doctor claimed that I should make a full recovery. He cannot, however, assert that with 100% confidence. I do still have considerable pain in my groin upon contact. He believes that my weakness is due to an unconscious fear of that pain and will be able to make a more clear statement as to my recovery when both the fear and the pain in my groin subside.

I return in two months for a follow-up. Your prayers are, as always, coveted.

A Bunch of Wasted-Space Ramblings

I apologize for not keeping this as updated as some of you may have wished. I go back to my Neurologist tomorrow (er, today) for an EMG and to discuss what life looks like from here on out. I have a few good updates: 1) I’m walking with a cane. That wheelchair is gone, and God is to be praised! 2) My blood tests came back negative, meaning I actually do have Bilateral Saphenous Nerve Impingement, and God is to be praised! 3) Pain is no longer constant. I experience maybe a wave of pain about once a day, and God is to be praised!

Unfortunately, due to the physical deterioration of my left leg, I have been unable to focus on my emotional or spiritual health, of which have sparked monologues that so frequented this blog in its “early” life. I apologize for that, both to myself and to those who read this site. In light of this lack of reflection, I have decided to waste space by rambling. Beware! Rabbit-trails up ahead:

Just prior to writing this post, I read (er, stalked) a post from a xanga site I try to keep up on. It was about a lost love and the fight to “get her back.” I chuckled a little when I read this line:

WAIT! How can love wait? … Yet, I welcome this slavery [to waiting for her].

OK. Allow me to explain. It was by mere chance that I witnessed this blogger’s breakup. I was literally on the other side of the street honestly minding my own business when I realized what the devil was actually going on across the way. I knew this person was a writer, so I found his weblog (hence the “er, stalked”) and, voilà, here we are. What’s more ironic is that our connection has a closer proximity than the typical six degrees of separation. Yada-yada-yada, I digress. Do we really wait? Does true, honest-to-goodness, can’t-sleep-at-night-but-welcome-the-insomnia love drive us to wait? Or is love a drug that creates in us a hope that isn’t healthy to which to hold on?

Back in the day (which was a Wednesday), I wrote that “memories last only as long as you want them to. You can erase the bad ones. The question is, do you really want to? What would your life be like without even the worst of times?” If one hasn’t noticed, I value the storms that life throws at us. What is there to look forward to if every day’s yesterday was perfect in memory?

I value words. I know that actions speak louder than words, but words have their place. They exist. Words and language must be a valuable tool if God Himself saw that the best way to prohibit the building of Babel was to confuse the words of those building that tower. (Please note, God didn’t go to the drawing boards and guess which way would be best. I don’t mean to infer that by using the word, “saw.” God knew. God foreknew. Period.) I guess that’s why I value this quote from The Interpreter:

The gunfire around us makes it hard to hear. But the human voice is different from other sounds. It can be heard over noises that bury everything else. Even when it’s not shouting. Even when it’s just a whisper. Even the lowest whisper can be heard over armies… when it’s telling the truth.

It’s 2:40A and I just needed to talk. I’m sorry for wasting your time. One of these three thoughts (love, memory, or words) will be expounded upon soon. The two others may be lost in this waste of space forever, or I may jump on them as well. Just know I haven’t forgotten this site. I just haven’t had time to sit down and funnel out a coherent thought. Case-in-point: the aforementioned.

As of Monday, April 7, 2008

Type of Doctor: Neurologist
New Symptoms: N/A
Diagnosis: